Never Forget

Happy 9-11! no wait... bleh
Anywho, Yesterday was fun, we went on a day trip to the ocean! Westport, Wa. It was a nice beach and I had a great time in the ocean. Just letting the waves sweep over me :).

Found a few shells and saw a few towns. Went through Tacoma on the way there, and Stopped in Olympia on the way back to get some water from the artesian well. There were a lot of hipsters around it was funny. got some good water though! Got some fun pictures today! I love my camera :)

Danny has been quite harassing lately. Ruining my nights, and going back and forth with his emotions. He hates my guts one minute, he can't live without me the next. I wish he could be nicer. I really would love to be able to talk to him, and have him be there for me. I know it would do him a lot of good to have me be there for him too. It doesn't have to be this hard. He keeps resenting me for being able to ditch out on everything, and he has every right. I Think I resent him a little for deciding that i'm a bad person because i feel like my goals and dreams aren't as important as his. he always says how he would love for me to get a job and him be a stay at home dad. It isn't true though. I am offering just that. I love him and this is super hard for me, but i just don't want the same things he does. i really really wish he wanted the same things i do... i also wish he trusted me enough to the decision maker in our relationship. I am ready to be in the drivers seat. 

My future is so unpredictable right now. I could be anywhere a year from now. Will I be happy? I better be. Right now I see happiness including Danny, but right now he doesn't trust me enough to let him affect much of my decision making.. I want to help him, but am scared if I do talk him into going with me, there will be a power struggle and we will fight to much. That won't work at all and Cora doesn't need that. no matter what happens I will have to come to Cd'a several times a year probably for Coralines sake. She needs her daddy.. and he needs her.. It sure would be a lot easier to be happy though if he would just let me in, and stop resenting me for having a spiritual awakening. I'd love to help him have one himself. Hell, I'd just love for him talk to me about anything right now... 

anyway.. tomorrow we are going for a bike ride, and then friday I have a hair appointment! can't wait to get these dreads tightened up!!

Redmond

I have been in Redmond staying with Jacob to try and collect my thoughts. I've been here for like 4 days now, and it's been helping a lot. I don't have Coraline, she is with Danyelle in the Tri-Cities until friday. It's funny all 3 of us have been apart since wednesday I think. I think we needed this pretty bad. I'm having a pretty bad night emotionally right now. I just was overly reminded that I don't have anyone anymore. I know I am the one leaving all them but, it sure does feel like their love for me was pretty conditional... this world is horrible and I am making it my mission to find people in it that actually have open loving hearts. I want to feel excepted and like I'm aloud to just be me right now. not who I was, or who I'm supposed to be. just me. now. as what ever I feel like being right this damn second. I'm sorry to everyone that lost the me they thought they knew. I'm now the me I want to know....


We bought the ambulance. It is perfect, I am going to turn it into the coolest house ever. It's big enough to fit everything I could possibly want in there. I was going to work on it while here and then drive it back home, but we decided Danny should drive it home because it is a little scary to drive at least compared to our little insight lol. So I need to get used to it on more familiar roads. it was crazy though we thought it had a full tank of 100 gallons, but the gas gauge doesn't work. we topped it off and it over flowed, and Danny ran out of gas on the way home... the guy acted like it got 15 mpg but that was like 2mpg.. so we need to get that checked out because that is not ok. I suspect the fuel injectors but I am no mechanic... I really want to get to know this vehicle because we might be friends for a long time, and it is a '91 so ya know, it is old enough to drink ;) and break down for a lot of reasons... lol I want to know how to fix as much as I can on it myself. Because I won't always be near someone who can fix it for me, or near money.

The only thing I even really need to change in it (other then add some color and awesomeness to it!) is a bed situation. trying to figure out a way to do that easily, I want to be able to fit me and cora and a guest without pitching a tent. there is room for 7 people to sit, but not much room for people to sleep. It would be fun if 7 people actually wanted to travel with me. But also I like that there is all that room to sit, because I want to use the ambulance as a gimmick for selling something at fairs and stuff. I am still trying to decide what though... best I have come up with is the fact that it has 4 oxygen hook ups and I could easily do an oxygen bar. But.. I dunno if there is much call for that and much money to be made, so I would have to sell something else too. Although it is easy to sell things to people that are trapped sitting in your "store" sucking up up oxygen :) I'll figure it out. if oxygen doesn't work, I won't have much invested into it. here is a picture of the inside. It's old but it looks the same.

Namaste!

Happy Birthday to me....

I am so glad to get out of here tomorrow.. I have never been like this and I need some time to heal.. Just when i was starting to feel like I was coming out of this, my mother has to make me feel like a horrible mom. Yes I am not enjoying the job right now. I am kind of not enjoying the fact that I am alive right now. and the only thing in the long run that has kept me from just running away and disappearing is Coraline. I want to do this right, and I want to do that for her. I don't want to screw her up. I don't want to be this impatient all the time. I am doing the best I can to fix the problem so I don't continue to be a crazy person, and can focus on her.

I am really sick of everyones opinion of me. I realized tonight that I have had some kind of standard to keep up. An Image. I feel like I am letting everyone down because I don't get to fuck up. I think I would really enjoy if everyone would stop treating me like I am supposed to be better then who I am. You all think I'm crazy, but im not.
You all think I'm strong, but im not.
Nothing I am doing is that big of a deal. I wish people would be happy for me. and not make me feel like an idiot and an asshole. You are all just jealous that I am willing to change the things in my life that arent working for me. just sit there on your cushions and never appreciate them.

Let's do this 30's I'm ready.

Movin' back

Today I cleaned out my stuff and left my moms house and came back home. Hopefully it won't be for long, but this is better for Coraline. She needs her own room and some structure. I am scared of being in the house with Danny again. hopefully we can make this work until I leave... I feel like in going back I am losing a lot of respect from my friends.. But Danny is calmed down, and hopefully will give me space. Hopefully Ill be here until my Birthday TOPS!