Finally in a better place.

I feel a lot better. Since I stopped expecting Danny to be Prince Charming, both of us feel a lot better. He is actually trying to be around me and do stuff with me. I am in a different state of mind now though. And though I still feel very fragile. As long as I am careful, I think I will come out of this just fine. 

I am not sure yet if I am happy about it or wish it happened differently, but the way Danny has dealt with my crisis. From start to finish is what has shaped how I am viewing things now. Which is basically I still love and care about him, but am doing better to do what's best for me. And not be worried about of he likes it or not. Because I'll never be able to what's right for me if I'm worried about if he likes it or not. 

Like I smoke to much, and I know that. But it's something I need to not worry about his opinion of. If I need to smoke, I will. If he doesn't want to smoke, he should stop putting me in stressful situations. That would be more helpful for me then him pouting and being judgmental about it. I don't like the way he can't even give me real attention even when he tries. 

But if all he wants is a roommate to watch tv with. I can be that for a while. 

We are leaving in a few days to go to Panama City Florida for a month. I hope it  works out ok, because Cora has spent to much time with the grandparents and is very bratty and whiney and annoying. Hopefully we can get her back to normal

Feel like I should write

Wow. I feel like im being turn in half. I finally after all this time, had a break through . I was able to in one session of crying tell myself that it was stupid and that I just needed to except that I wasn't in love with Danny anymore. He could give me every excuse in the world, and I could let him. But what I truly feel is that it doesn't matter. Through this. Through all the time I've spent hurting and lying in bed for days, and the crying... It's just been me, having a hard time excepting that it is just me. No one else. I've felt selfish got feeling that way. I've felt like I'm wrong. Like I'm crazy.

Tonight I met Jennessa's family, and I feel like after all my "praying" to find another human that I could look up to. The universe finally gave me that person. She saw in me what I needed someone to see, and she made me feel like I wasn't stupid. Like everything I felt was real. I just need to be around better people. It's almost 2am on Black Friday. And I feel better then I have in... Almost a year. From a stranger. 

It's just so weird. Before all that, I had a pretty good talk with Danny about how I don't love him anymore. And how last night it just finally hit me that I needed to detach from him if I was ever going to get out of this bed. Because I keep waiting for him to prove to me that our love is not conditional. When he can't seem to prove that it isn't

I love Danny, I think he could be a great person.  But his image, power and money just feel to me like they are more important then actually being happy.

And honestly if I'm not enough to make him happy enough to not be scared to leave it all. Then I'm not being enough security for him either.

I regret nothing. But I sure am ready to have some thinking time. Hopefully after the talk i had tonight . That made me feel not do crazy for feeling the way I do.

I'll be able to judge things better. And know it's all about me. And for every single person , it should be. 

I don't want to be alone forever

Lady gaga has a song on her newest album called gypsy. And it is exactly how I feel. "I don't want to be alone forever, but I can be tonight."

I was realizing last night after I gave frank and Nathan a hug good bye. That I am really craving a real hug. Not that anyone is bad at hugging, but I just realize that I don't have anyone that I hug that I feel like is bettering me. I want to feel a hug from someone who I look up to. I want someone to look up to. I want someone whose opinion about me I respect. And I want that opinion to about the amazing potential I know I have wanting to burst out of me. 

I can not think of a Senerio for my life that would truly be happy without that. Also I can not think of one that would be hell with it. 

I'm tired of feeling pompous and erogant for saying what I feel to be true. Actually I'm kind of fed up with talking all together.

I did a show this past Sunday. It was pretty fun. And we are excited to do another. The rush I got from the nerves was amazing. And addicting. Also discovered that "two midgets shitting in a bucket" is the funniest thing ever

2 new friends!

Had a great day yesterday. I've been really wanting a cat lately. I just feel like a kitty would lift my mood. So me and Cora got up and got breakfast at Mkids and headed for the humane society. Well they didn't open until noon. And it was like 10:30. So I thought hey, let's go to the valley mall and get some games. And maybe stop and see Sarah and see if she has a kitty! 

Well we got lots of cool games! 

And we went and saw Sarah, and she had some cats. One we liked and would have got, but we found out it did not like to be held, and that's a need for me. Plus it was kind of biter. Then Cora kept saying she liked the black one with pretty eyes. But he was boring. Just sat in the corner watching everyone. Lol I finally went ok. At least your pretty. So we bought him. He's 3 years old and is a great cat! Very chill, friendly, lovey, good with Cora. Plus I've always wanted a witchy black cat lol. 

I named it Liebschen. It's German for like darling, or little love. It's always been the name I wanted to name a cat if I ever got a witchy one lol. Everyone else seems to have given him their own names. Which is fine with me. Lol Cora is calling him hello kitty. 

 Later Cora went with grandma somewhere, and I went and got cat stuff, and went to st vinnies and got more games! And puzzles!

Then frank and Nathan came over for once upon a time in wonderland. And we played some of my new games. Frank had to leave early because he works early. But me and Nathan stayed up all night plotting one of the puzzles together over and over lol it was only 100 piece. But it is of an adorable wizard! Almost didn't get that one but it was buy one get one free! So I ran back. Glad I did because I for see that thing being some serious therapy haha

I think I'll go put him together right now..

Seriously how cool is this guy? I thought it would be funner to this with Cora then it is so far... Lol she's too ADD for a 100 piece puzzle. Oh well. 

I need to start doing something with day. It's almost 1. 

Still bed ridden with depression.

I realized today, that I'm still here, because of him. 

I have completely given up. I have no strength to leave, I have no strength to stay. 

I have this weird thing lately that I noticed where I can't bring myself to do anything for myself. It feels like a waste of time, even if the only other thing I'd be doing with that time is nothing at all. Like now. I don't get it at all. Even personal hygiene is something I have to force myself to do. 

I also realized after my time in bed all week. That I can't leave anyway, unless I have a clear conscience. It won't be any better out there always feeling guilty. 

I was watching once upon a time in wonderland today, and it's full of even more sappy love stories then the regular show. All everyone in a fairy tale every wants is to find someone to instantly fall in love with and instantly have the same common goal with. To escape their shitty lives (because they always have shitty lives)

Well what if your Prince Charming doesn't want to leave his shitty life? What if his shitty life is turning him into an evil villain? What all of a sudden the princess finds herself trapped in her bed because the prince can't just see he's not fallowing the story. 

He's kept her away from the life and people that would make them both live happily ever after, because of greed. Also because he doesn't actually love or trust the princess. She's just a commodity. If he loved her, he probably wouldn't let her. Rot away in his bed for days. But even just that; ignoring her drama, is easier then making a choice.

I honestly don't know what I want, or need. I've given up trying to know. Because I know I'm not thinking right. I've been extremely depressed for a really long time. Well before I knew it. But knowing it, has only made it harder.

Eventually though he will have to make that choice. To kick me out, or let me lead. He isn't ready for either. And even though I feel like I not only don't love him, but that I barely like him. But I can't even be sure of those feelings, they have been bred out of resentment of how big of a coward I've discovered him to be. 

I hope my next post is about how happy I am. That he really did come to my rescue, that he wants to run away with me, that he doesn't want to see me drown anymore in this house that I hate. Or this town that I hate. Or the job that I might hate more then anything else in this world. 

But... With being extremely depressed... I think Ive earned the pessimism that I have about the situation. Plus of course my super power of knowing what everyone is feeling all the time. I think it will end with our "love" being a lot more conditional then I ever thought it was. It's all been just a great story. We never had a chance. It just always felt so great to be so inspiring to others. 

It's more important to look happy, then to actually be happy. 

I think he sees it all as hopeless. That I 've made up my mind to hate him. But maybe, just maybe Danny, just one time. You could leave out the bullshit. Be honest with me. Not ignore me, not make small talk, no excuses, no stupid rules and requirements. Just honesty. Good or bad. With me and yourself. Just maybe, at least one of us would see hope. But you've never fought for me not once. You've left me in that dungeon. 

To scared to fight the dragon between us. 

You have to know Danny, that I do love you. I could never resent someone so much if I didn't. But the more you make me hate you. The harder it is to reverse it. Ignoring me only has 2 out comes: more work for you to fix it. Or well I guess less heart ache when you have to kick me out. 

Yay things aren't getting better!

I have decided no matter how hard I try to be in denial. It isn't working anymore. I know I hate this. And I hate watching him never be better. I had an episode a couple nights ago. I couldn't stand him all night. And then I snapped at him, we went to bed mad, and spent the next day mad. I've realized since the fight and not talking to each other since. That it is because of my empathy. Not because I'm being empathetic to him, but because I resent him, a lot, for having close to none himself. 

After reading like 3 long ass articles yesterday about empathy, I realize that I am very empathetic and need to get some control on it. Mostly though it's about other people taking advantage of that, and me letting them. I always give people the benifit of a dout. I can always tell when I'm being lied to, and usually the extent of the lie. I mean I can tell if it's just added flair to a story, making something seem like more then it is. To full on that did not happen at all. 

I almost never call people out on the lies. Because I can read between the lines. If someone has to make crap up to tell me about why they can't be somewhere or do something they are supposed to. I don't question their motives. I know they don't want to do it for some reason. And are trained to have a better story then "I'm tired" or "I drank last night" or "I just don't feel comfortable going to said place" I would totally except any of those. Because that's what I hear anyway. I also tried my hand at playing the story telling game when I was a teenager. It was a rush I couldn't understand why people were so dumb and couldn't tell I was full of shit. Well they could sometimes lol. 

But anymore I find it very hard to lie. At least to people I know. About anything. I try to say exactly what I think. I can be scary good at it though when I need to. Because I know what to look for in a lier, I know how to do it right. But I can only do it with people I'm not close to. And I only do it if it's needed and on a whim. I never plan a lie. Rule number 1, never plan to lie.

But for people I am close to... If I have something I don't want them to know or worry about. I just shut down or find something to distract. I will avoid bringing anyone into it by pushing them away. Which is really dumb. But once I let someone in, I become way to vonerible to them. And it has never worked out once for me. I become a burden or a target. Or because of my carefree additude and empathy towards others, I become the psychologist. People I don't even know, feel comfortable to tell me the weirdest shit. And I never judge. I encourage their honesty, and feel honored that they felt comfortable enough with just my presents to open up like that and show me their real self. I wish I could do it. To a stranger or not. 

I need desperatly to find a way to release some of this. I am extremely depressed. All the time. If I'm not depressed I'm extremely anxious. I feel trapped here. I'm too depressed to even know what to do. I need to leave. I know that. 

Danny isn't someone I find comfort in anymore. I feel trapped by him. He wants me to be something for him that I can't. Last night I was having a totally depressed hard day. Couldn't get out if bed. Him and Cora left to have dinner with his parents. I wanted to go hang out with my friends. But had so much anxiety about leaving. Because I thought he would be mad. I realized I had to go because i can not keep letting that fear win. It's not fair. I can't handle anyone being mad at me. Even if I'm mad at them. Actually usually my anger comes from their anger. Empathy at work again. And Danny is always mad at something. 

He did do a really awesome sweet thing for me a couple days ago I should write about. But I will do it in my next post. I'm not exactly having a great day. As usual. 

Danny is trying to take Cora somewhere to play. It drives me crazy. He always tries to guilt trip me because I don't want to do it, but I hate those places. It's anxiety over load for me. And i can see it in her that it's to much for her a lot of the time. But he insist on it. Like we aren't good parents unless we get her socialized with the fat kids at mcdonalds. Right now she's sick, sore throat, runny nose. Tired and cranky. she's walking around crying about nothing. And I'm sure she doesn't have a diaper on because he LOVES setting her up for failure. They are going to go, not have fun and come home angry and crying and spanking and telling and all this shit just because he was trying to force her to have fun.

Well I think this post is long enough. I'm going to go get some barter faire medicine. And lay here dreaming on the internet about all things I wish I was doing. And hopefully will do soon

October has been way better then September lol

So Me and Danny have had some pretty good fights lately. But honestly. Emotionally. I am finally in a better place. I think we both have been way too dramatic through all of this. And both have done and said things out of desperation. So I talked it over with Danny and decided, I'm done being so guarded. I love him, he loves me, we both love coraline, and we need to stop being so mad at each other for the fact that our lives have changed. Both of us. 

I have figured out that I've been selfish in that I've just decided he doesn't like who I am. When I really need to just be the me I want to be and let him decide if he does or doesn't like it. It also feels selfish though, because I have decided I don't like the him he has become. But I expect him to like my new me. As selfish as that might be, I feel like I have gone through most of this because of who he has become. And I know it's not who he wants to be. 

It's all about fear. They use fear to control us. He is afraid to leave his job, or not feel secure about money. And it's making him a moody crazy stressed out person. 

Working with him has been hard. I don't think he is a good boss. At least managing people. I have had fun though managing the haunted house. I went to the tonasket barter fair this past weekend. And found out that house needs me to run well! Lol Danny did not have fun doing it alone.

The barter fair was a big awesome adventure! I was able to concor so many fears and new things! We got the ambulance all fixed up with new tires and belts. They did something though that made thing not start and need to be jumped.. But even so, I felt a lot safer driving it after that. I drove all the way there. And did fine. Couldn't get it go very fast ove passes.. Seriously like 35mph max usually lol 45 level 55 down hill haha but I was supposed to keep the RPMs around 2000, anything over makes it go into over drive, which chugs the fuel! Just another thing to get fixed. It's deal with able for now though.

It was so nice to be forced to learn so much about the thing. Learned its corky things, feel more comfortable driving it. Learned that I bought a great propane heater that saved our lives and learned that as long as I have warmth everything else is just a luxury (because nothing else worked and we were fine;)

We got there late and parked and walked around. It was really fun seeing all the hippies and feeling like I didn't stand out so much :) I've never been to a drum circle. It was lamer then I imagined. But still fun. The booths were fun. So many random things. I loved being able to barter. I loved that everything was so open. And easy. You could make a lot of money at these kind of things. Next time I'm buying an ounce and making treats to barter! Also taking cigarettes again. I took a carton and didn't have much luck until the last day. I took them and went around the campground asking to trade for weed! I traded 6 packs of organic American spirits that cost me about $5.50 each for probably around $100 worth of weed at least. I'd say that's a good deal!  

The rest I traded to a cool food vender :) he saved my life! I took a chinchilla hoping to barter him but that didn't work out and it was just a pain. So was the ambulance not starting when we needed to go. About 4 hours and 6 different jumps later. We finally got it going. Phil and deller were having car trouble too. (Some friends from Spokane) And helped out a lot. Everyone who stayed and tried to help get the thing started ended up just mostly helping restore my faith in humanity. Which I think I needed more. The rest of the drive was fine. Lol slow, but fine. 

I came home to a grumpy Danny. He proceeded to tell me how horrible his weekend was. But his tone was very accusing and like I was supposed to feel bad for him. I went to bed mad. Even after my long day of car trouble and how great I felt that I figured it out with out his help. And how I was excited to tell him all about it and how him and Cora are totally going next year. They'd have a blast. And I just instantly went quite and wanted to shower and sleep. He came in and felt bad and sort of apologized. But was still trying to make it out to be my fault. 

But honestly. After that trip, I feel good, I feel like me. And I feel like I'm not going to be anything else. I'm calm and happy and just here. And I want to keep that. He also got all mad at me last night for stating out to late at the bar. He left for work early and pretended he wasn't mad about anything but he was. Then he felt bad because he thought I was mad at him for being mad. But I'm still pretty zen. Usually I would be mad at him. But I know now. By getting upset I'm feeding his overreactions and one of us needs to change or neither of us will. If he doesn't like that I don't care that he's mad when I don't see at justifiable. Then he's going to just have to learn to deal with that. 

My new trick is to not apologize for anything any more. At least not this kind of stuff. Anything I do I will own up to it. It's who I am and apologizing for being who I am just doesn't seem healthy. 

I will go on about my life until he is cooled down. I'm going to try not to hold these tantrums against him. I know it's weird to have me not be do defensive. Hopefully it will help with his stress. It's helping with mine. I just want to be 2 people who are aloud to be and do their own thing. And enjoy each other's company and companionship. Help each other out. Love each other. And can just leave it at being that simple. And even though it would be hard. I know after this past year, if he decides that's not good enough for him, then I'm fine with moving on. But I have faith that everything is going to get a lot better from now on :)