My Last Saturday

So since my last post, I have been feeling better. It took me a few days to get my strength back. I started eating again, and getting some sleep. I think that was my rock bottom. I still am having weird depression and anxiety problems. like hyper sensitivity to everything. It is strange to me that You have to get that low to be strong enough to come out of it. I am trying to figure out why, but i have been very sensitive to peoples opinions of me. Ive always thought of myself as someone who didnt care about that... i guess there is a difference... i dont care if people care about what im like on the outside, i think thats why i dress so weird. since i dont care, why not have fun? but i do care about what people think of me on the inside. i dont like feeling like anyone thinks im a bad person. and when i think about it, ive always been insecure about that... i dont like running into people i knew when i was a teenager, because i dont like who i was then. (not that i regret anything) I just dont want to see and talk to people who think of me differently then i am now. i get very upset when i think someones mad at me. i always have. i wish i had realized this a long time ago. i will never leave an argument unresolved again. because this whole depression has been caused by me being too worried about what everyone else is thinking about me, and thats stupid.


But over the last few days of healing, dannys really been there for me. i had a couple of episodes that involved some things being thrown, and sedatives being used. but he helped me get through it. This whole experience has been hard. we have both been mean to each other. both in so much pain. We have also learned a lot about each other. it has kind of been like mr and mrs smith. anyway, I plan to leave as soon after Labor day as possible. I have changed my mind on living in the truck. I decided i wanted a van. it would just be better all around. and then we found an ambulance :) and it was so cool! but then he sold it... then we found another one and its bigger! it seems great! hoping to buy it this coming week. if not, im willing to just take the first van i see. im done!

I think the ambulance will be really good. its big enough to be a comfortable home. only gets about 8mpg so traveling will probably be slow most of the time. but thats not a big deal as long as i can park where i wont need to use the thing to drive around. ill be ok. my lose plan right now is to spend as much of september in seattle as i can. then go bak to town for scary wood. once that is over i should have enough money to drive me and cora to florida over the course of 2 weeks, where we will meet up with danny who will be there for some work thing. after all that, we will try and make our way back to mexico baja by january. where we will hopefully meet up with jennessa and who ever else. after that... i will decide from there. i might be home sick and travel north, i might be itchy and adventurous and head south :) ive always wanted to go to south america.... and i will! but maybe very soon :) only time will tell! failed plans is another insecurity of mine. so i prefer to avoid them. or at least when making them, be ok with them changing.

Its funny to me, I have been planning on leaving by my birthday for a while now... and before it was because i was supposed to have a rocking awesome 30th birthday! i was even planning around it being on a tuesday.. maybe we can do something on saturday? either way. i knew it would be something... im turning 30 right?! well on this last saturday of being 29, of living here. I dont think i have any plans :) well... none involving cake or booze, or cards, or even friends. someday when i look back on my 30s im going to remember the freedom.

Namaste!

I think I snapped

So... I am having a serious nervous breakdown. No one is really taking me seriously... but I can barely move, can't stop crying, super hyper sensitive to light, sound, touch... everything.. I have a hard time eating.... I am afriad to be around people right now. even people I know.. actually kind of especially people I know. I feel judged, I feel everyone is disappointed in me and i feel constantly attacked.  I almost bailed out of doing the show because I have been so weak, and distracted emotionally. Every day is harder, more crying, less appetite, getting weaker and disoriented..

Yesterday I felt good, I had been extremely upset, and Danny stayed home from work sunday to be around for me. it helped a lot. i was so weak and disoriented and he helped me get focused for the show. I actually got pretty excited and we got all ready, I was loving my costumes and nathan looked beautiful. and then we find out the show has been moved to next week! what a let down... I am not sure i can wait that long right now... We got some great pictures at least.. We spent the rest of the night in the garage, me taking pictures and playing with them.

Meanwhile I guess danny was festering about the fact i wasnt hanging out with him. and went to bed mad at me. well the thing is it always seems to hurt more when ive had a good day... and i am so crazy fragile at this point... anything will upset me. and i am teetering on disappearing. But the next morning i realized he was mad with me... he tried to hide it but just that fact... well i litterally kind of snapped.. i couldnt get out of bed. stayed in bed all day. I was so emotionally unstable today that something happened with conscious state and i started seeing lots of pretty purple when i closed my eyes. it got to a point where... the darkness when i close my eyes looks different. It looks like it is farther away from my face kinda? also everything has chasers and everything looks pixelated kinda..

Danny came home to me still in bed, a mess. he brought me a jamba juice but i ended up dropping it. i couldnt even talk. i had been freaking out all day about having to eventually see someone. I am not even sure anymore what i want. and im not sure what i expected out of him.. but he came and layed down with me and fell asleep. didnt ask anything, didnt say anything. i didnt like that. and with the way i had felt all day, i just got up and left. no phone, no money... no underwear. i just got up and walked. i walked over to franks house, freaking out every time a car drove by and saw me. and i was a little scared to see him.. i wasnt ready to even try talking. but he seemed to understand. it took me almost an hour to get there, im surprised i even made it all the way. i just layed in one spot and barely moved for 2 or 3 hour.
then nathan showed up and they kinda made me eat. which helped. and sit up. which helped. and talk a little. which helped too! i got a ride home from nathan, feeling a little better.. and i get home to danny who is crazy mad and build a fortress in all the doorways to keep me out. I am back into depression. luckily i am too wore out and weak to cry much any more. the funny thing is how bad i just wanted to leave today. just drop everything and go.. after tonight.. it might happen tomorrow ;P

feels so good to be clean!!

This has been a crazy busy week.  Been back at the house and its been harder every day. crying so much. and yesterday i couldnt even function it was so much. then i finally got to have a nice talk with danny and feel a million times better. all that pain was good. i feel so much better to have got that out! i feel stronger, happier and motivated to get this show on the road!

i am almost done sewing my costumes for the show in a few days :) i am so excited for this show! Another exciting thing from today was washing my hair just a bit ago :) it felt so good! and i was listening to loreena Mckennitt the whole time i was laying in the tub full of vinegar, baking soda, and lavender bronners soap! so refreshing and my head feels so much better! that music and warm tingly water on my head made me feel so alive and in the moment :) it was beautiful. you can never know how good it can feel to wash your hair until you've gone without doing it for long periods of time.

Waiting is getting so hard, because i am so ansy to be out there. i have watched into the wild a lot lately... and just watched craigslist joe. i like the idea of using craigslist. as of right now im planning on leaving at the beginning of september to go over around seattle and camp and get to know my new home :) ok i should go crash now. my hair is still wet and it feels soooo good! i washed it good!

Namaste!

floatin'

Today I cleaned out my stuff and left my moms house and came back home. Hopefully it won't be for long, but this is better for Coraline. she needs her some stability. I am not sure what that means yet or anything. Danny asked me to go camping with him and coraline, so i did even though i didnt feel good about it.

as usual danny is making the situation awkward. I am trying not to talk much, and am trying to not have anxiety anticipating this turning into a fight just because i am not being overly social with him. But I am not in the mood for his weird lets-play-dumb-and-be-awkward game. Although by not catering to his pouting i think i am technically playing it. lol why am i thinking about this?

It is very pretty out here. and nice temperature at sunset. we are out on the coeur d' alene river. I would consider coming back here. we only brought minimal stuff. because we are only going to be out here until tomorrow. I have decided i really like that tent idea and putting the shell back on the truck.

I found a lot of great stuff on amazon.com like a portable toilet that i like,
and a portable sink, wash tub for laundry, solar generator, i have a heater that runs of propane, a great little fridge... most of that kind of stuff i have found pretty easily. i am mostly worried about storage of my sewing machines and storage of that kind of stuff I am hoping eventually i can make some of my income from flea markets and fairs and things like that. i am pretty sure it is going to take me at least a year to really get in the groove of that, knowing what sells, knowing what events to hit, etc... but i am more worried about the storage then if i could sell the stuff or not lol.

The other thing i am worried about is all my creatures i plan to have growing back there lol kombucha, yoghurts, krauts, not to mention sprouts and mushrooms and herbs... not only is room going to be tight for these things, but it can get pretty bouncy back there. especially if i have to go on a bumpy road. i will have to make sure its all really secure!

lol funny that my 2 biggest fears are about my crafts. sewing and fermenting lol. the things i actually know about.
back in real life ive forgotten that I am afraid of driving, i never go anywhere alone, as much as i like doing it, i dont have much experience camping, ive never lit a fire, i cant back up that truck worth shit and i hate pumping gas! lol but im not worried about any of that stuff because i know i will eventually get better at all of it, and it is all worth learning. honestly im not that worried about the other stuff either. I will find room, and if i don't, it doesnt go with me lol simple as that.

Welp i cant post this, because im no where near wifi, so i will add to this in the morning and post when i get home ;)

Today was fun, we floated down the river for a bit and then i walked back to get the truck and found a lot of fun surprises, like a cute bridge and pretty paths. so after i got back i made cora and danny walk with me and found even more fun! like a castle ruin and "the dark woods" as cora called them. lol the dark woods had booby traps like branches and a rusty barb wire i cut my toe on lol. she would have had a lot more fun had she not been so whiney. we went on a fun little trail too that took us up a mountian and back down and to a creek lol. it was a lot of fun. i am not sure if the awkwardness ever let up. maybe a little. we swam a little more before going home. and danny jumped off a bridge a few times. all in all i guess it was a good day.

Good Days and Bad Days

Tonight was amazing! Most beautiful lightening storm ever! Tonight I danced in the rain and watched the sky be constantly filled with bolts! The air felt amazing and I feel so energized now! I can't even sleep!

"Bring, bring thunder and the
Loud, loud rain
Lead our woes asunder
'Neath our proud, proud veins"

I will leave this open and write more tomorrow lol. I am going to try and sleep now.......

Wow I shouldn't be writing today, how can such a cool night turn into such a bad day? I am staying at my moms house right now. I was woke up by Some crazy old man yelling choice words at the house because My brothers pitbull was out and terrorizing people. So I got up and tried to explain no one was home but me and I dont live here, and the dog wouldn't hurt anyone he's just a barker and is very hyper. but i guess since they were a bunch of zombies and are scared to think outside of a box. Decided even though i told them the owner wasn't home (and i honestly think I should have been thanked for helping get the dog away... what's wrong with this world?) they call the cops and I get 3 tickets! BS! I was so mad, I have been trying to cool down all day, this isn't something that should be ruining my day. I think I am just wore down so much that something like this is all I needed to have a mental breakdown.  Danny took cora after work though and that helped me cool down a lot. I felt bad for her I could not give her any attention at all...


Opps forgot about this post again. Well yesterday was a much better day. grandma and grandpa took Coraline this morning to spend the night. I got a pack of cigarettes on my bad day. and today I sat out in the front yard and smoked a bunch of them while listening to music and playing on the internet and relaxing on the outdoor sofa I brought over :) yeah I am not usually a smoker. I like cigars, but and I'll smoke a cigarette but I smoke it like a cigar lol. I probably should have just bought a nice cigar. would have lasted as long as the cigarettes did, and would taste better! anyway, It was very nice and relaxing, I found a lot of great ideas for my truck instead of building that trailer! i'll post them at the bottom!
then Nathan came over and we did some sewing. Then I went with danny to some work party. it was luau themed, they were roasting a pig. lol free drinks and food lol so we had our fill and left.

first i am going to do something like this first picture in the back under the shell. i am going to do differently then they did. My shell opens on both sides, so one side i want to set up as an indoor/outdoor kitchen and the other side a bed/seating with storage underneath. this way i can be stealthier when im in a city or parking lot or just somewhere i can't set up camp.

The other picture is a roof top tent! The picture has it on the side but I would put so the tent opens over the back of the truck (and yes you can do that) there are 2 doors, in that bottom part so one would be against the back of the truck, so basically when i had it all up and going i wouldnt have to ever go outside unless i wanted to. and it is way lighter to haul then the trailer we were going to build would be.

Also i have a pop up changing room i was going to use for showering and toilet. and was just going to hang sheets around it to keep it some what inclosed also.

I am going to draw out a bunch of plans and post again maybe later or tomorrow. The only thing i am worried about is this winter, I didnt want to have to leave town so soon but it is to cold here to live like this all winter. we will see though. we are going to mexico still hopefully in like december. maybe i wont wanna leave :)

Wonderful day without a happy ending.

Well today started off with me getting up early to surprise Nathan. I have been planning a secret trip to Seattle for his birthday. It was going to be quite a bit more elaborate. But life just isn't convenient lately... and i'm pretty flexible. So I decided I wanted to take him to seattle to go to the zoo (because hes never been), and to go bar hopping on capital hill because its the best, (and maybe we would see some drag queens!) and then saturday, getting my hair cleaned up by my most awesome lady! (over at http://www.fiercelocks.com!)

So first knowing that Nathan is not a big lover of surprises, I decided I needed to make this so he had no reason to say no. So firstly I wanted to take his car because it got the best milage. but his tail lights were out, and I know he wouldnt want to go because his car was messy.

Sooo I arrived at his place of work just before he had to work and tricked him into giving me his keys. I then took his car to the carwash and cleaned it and washed it. took me about an hour lol. but it is nice in there now! then I took it to oil can henry's for an oil change and to see if they could fix the lights. then after i got that done I topped off his gas and was even going to buy cigarettes so he wouldnt need to stop for them in the morning lol. but I forgot. I took the car back and he was happier with my surprise then I thought hed be :) but I told him I had another surprise after he got off work.

well after that I was going to get my oil changed too but danny asked if I wanted to go to the beach with  him and coraline, and his family. so I said yes, and met him there. we went tubbing on the lake with there boat, and swam for a while. Had several good long talks with Danny. I really enjoyed them and I think they helped both of us a lot. but I always worry when I talk to him that he thinks its more progress then I do. like I am coming to my senses or something. but hopefully he can keep it in context. We did have a fun day and went home and ate and played catan. I wanted to leave earlier but the game I set up to be short turned out to be really long lol.
Then towards the end of the game I got a text from Nathan saying he needed me to come over now, it was inportant. so that worried me and I went over there to find out that his dad has past away a just a couple hours ago... well that was like instant cancelation of the trip... So I told him about it since it was a surprise. and yeah he didnt want to go, (even though I made his ability to bailout, fail proof!) so since I had extra money now, I bought a pizza.

It was a really eventful day. I am glad I at least got to meet his dad once. even if it was very briefly....

Namaste

Just some ponders

So this week has been pretty hard emotionally. Danny is taking all this really hard, and that in turn is really hard on me. I don't do well putting others in pain, and it makes me feel horrible when I see it as sacrificing his happiness for my own. But I can't live that way, I can't think that way. I haven't been happy in long a time... possibly maybe ever. Everything has been for working towards getting to "happy".. are we ever going to get there? I mean we have had some great times, and things were never really bad until recently.
But perhaps that is because I tried to not make waves. I don't think I saw how unhappy I was until I got to have a few months to myself in seattle, and I found how happy I was living for myself. It made me realize how bored Ive been and how much I have been letting my wants and needs be suppressed... and that it is time for me to wake up! I am hear to experience, not be a menial house wife waiting to grow old so I can enjoy life then. We should be aloud to enjoy life from day one.
Everyone in this world who is suffering, (if they realize they are or not) Should not be. It is all because we put to much power in money, and we are letting bad people have to much control of the money. So they have convinced us that money is important and that we need to work our asses off to get it and we waste our whole lives trying to make money and pay off all our things that cost money that by buying made someone else rich and powerful and corrupt. All the while we are born into this system and have no other way to think then this is it. I will not be worth anything if I cannot hold a job and have assets. Horrible things are happening all over the world because money is power and to get it some people have to suffer. Genocide is happening constantly and we never hear about it. Powerless people being exploited by powerful people. But the best thing you can do about it, is leave that system, and enjoy your life. Which is exactly what I plan to do :)

As I write this blog all I can think about is how bad my grammar probably is, and just thank the universe that someone decided spell check should be mandatory! (mandatory was brought to you by spell check.) But fuck that! (add an extra t to that last but and lol for real ;) I think it's amazing... no I need to stop using "I" that is the ego talking, and we are all one... It is amazing that I can even sit here and write this now. For me to be able to read and write so well that I can write as it pops into my head and my ideas and thoughts are captured and put into words. And what are the odds of me being able to do this? on this planet even what were the odds i'd be human? Of those humans one capable of writing, and of those, being someone who is willing to make time and do it for no other reason then it makes me feel good. In all of the universe less then 1 percent is matter, the planets and stars everything else counts in that 1% and out of that less then %1 is something that could even sustain life. how many percent of that do you think does? Don't you see? the universe is like a living thing, we are part of it and the highest thing it can experience is being living matter. We are the universe trying to have a physical experience. This IS heaven. We have things all over to help us enjoy it, psychedelics to help you connect with your soul, and a body capable of taking you places and seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling. yet we waste all of that awesomeness because someone invented money. lol okay that was a pretty good rant. Your welcome.

Yes, I know I 'm crazy

So a lot has happened lately. Firstly I have decided to get a separation from Danny; my husband of 5 years and best friend since 1996. It is something that has been really hard, since he is my best friend and my whole adult life knows nothing but him. I have dreams though, and am unhappy with who I am letting myself be right now. He is not happy right now himself, and I can only hope that he will let this help him as well. I feel like possibly in the future when we are both happier people, we can try again. For now though, this is what is best for everyone involved, even if they don't think so. especially Coraline. It has been really hard on her to see that we aren't getting along.

Sooooo I have decided to build a Vardo and adventure into the world on my own :)

This is something I have always dreamed of doing, and even more so now that I have this new found freedom. Danny is helping design and build the Vardo which will be in the shape of a trailer on the back of my truck. after that I will probably stay in the area through the winter, just to get used to living in the trailer first before I get used to living in a different place. That way I can park at several peoples houses since everyone I know and love is here! Of course I will probably take a few trips, but no where to far. Of course.. this all can change on a moments notice... thats how I roll. 

By spring though I plan to go find adventure! I'd like to stay as spontaneous as possible, because I feel that if I have no plan I can't be disappointed. My only goals are to enjoy every possible moment, Live in the moment, and to do things that scare me as often as possible! I also have a goal of finding cool people who might possibly be interesting in starting a commune type thing with me someday. but thats something I will have to plan for better at a different time.

To me living this way only makes since. It is smarter, cheaper and so much less stressful. I want to have myself set up so I will have everything I need. Toilet, shower, kitchen (even though I am going to eat mostly raw) Solar power for when I need it. I plan on doing a lot of temp work. I'm not willing to get rid of my hair for the sake of a job. but I shouldn't need more then temp work. I really am just mostly worried about money for gas. Food I can work around. Food stamps, food banks, foraging, etc. There are just options for food if I get desperate. There are no options for gas but money.

Here are some great websites I have found for anyone reading this who is either interested in doing this too, or just wants to understand what I am doing better. (I know I am bad at explaining... it is hard for me to explain, try and explain why you would want to have a house, and cars and bills and a career and constantly be busy going to school and work all your life, getting to work in the car you bought because of the job... and doing things that make you tired and unhappy and stressed just to live somewhere full of stuff you've bought that you are away from most of the time. I am not sure why any of that makes more since or seems easier then having the freedom to be where ever I want in the world, with nothing to do that isn't what I want to do.... anyway here are the websites lol.

cheaprvliving.com (this is one of my favorite sites. lots of ideas and help!)
craigslist.com (rideshares, barters, jobs, randomness. who doesn't love craigslist?)
hiremenow.com (website for temp work. there are a lot of ways to find temp work though)
I am trying to figure out what to do with cora while I am "working" I will just have to solve those problems as they come along. If I am working at an event, maybe she could just be at the event.. or if I am picking fruit, maybe she could play while I'm picking, if not, hopefully I will be able to park where I can see my car. and she can just hang out inside while I work. boring for her. But I shouldn't have to do it very often. living off $500 a month seems like more then enough. But only time will tell!

I am very excited for this adventure to start. I want to try and write in this blog daily once it has, and post pictures. I hope that my Journey from being a domesticated middle class house wife to an adventuring nomadic hippy can inspire others to want a simpler happier life. 

Namaste:

My soul honors your soul

I honor the place in you where the in tire universe resides.

I honor the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you, because it is also within me.

In sharing these things we are united, we are the same.

We are one.