Finally in a better place.

I feel a lot better. Since I stopped expecting Danny to be Prince Charming, both of us feel a lot better. He is actually trying to be around me and do stuff with me. I am in a different state of mind now though. And though I still feel very fragile. As long as I am careful, I think I will come out of this just fine. 

I am not sure yet if I am happy about it or wish it happened differently, but the way Danny has dealt with my crisis. From start to finish is what has shaped how I am viewing things now. Which is basically I still love and care about him, but am doing better to do what's best for me. And not be worried about of he likes it or not. Because I'll never be able to what's right for me if I'm worried about if he likes it or not. 

Like I smoke to much, and I know that. But it's something I need to not worry about his opinion of. If I need to smoke, I will. If he doesn't want to smoke, he should stop putting me in stressful situations. That would be more helpful for me then him pouting and being judgmental about it. I don't like the way he can't even give me real attention even when he tries. 

But if all he wants is a roommate to watch tv with. I can be that for a while. 

We are leaving in a few days to go to Panama City Florida for a month. I hope it  works out ok, because Cora has spent to much time with the grandparents and is very bratty and whiney and annoying. Hopefully we can get her back to normal

Feel like I should write

Wow. I feel like im being turn in half. I finally after all this time, had a break through . I was able to in one session of crying tell myself that it was stupid and that I just needed to except that I wasn't in love with Danny anymore. He could give me every excuse in the world, and I could let him. But what I truly feel is that it doesn't matter. Through this. Through all the time I've spent hurting and lying in bed for days, and the crying... It's just been me, having a hard time excepting that it is just me. No one else. I've felt selfish got feeling that way. I've felt like I'm wrong. Like I'm crazy.

Tonight I met Jennessa's family, and I feel like after all my "praying" to find another human that I could look up to. The universe finally gave me that person. She saw in me what I needed someone to see, and she made me feel like I wasn't stupid. Like everything I felt was real. I just need to be around better people. It's almost 2am on Black Friday. And I feel better then I have in... Almost a year. From a stranger. 

It's just so weird. Before all that, I had a pretty good talk with Danny about how I don't love him anymore. And how last night it just finally hit me that I needed to detach from him if I was ever going to get out of this bed. Because I keep waiting for him to prove to me that our love is not conditional. When he can't seem to prove that it isn't

I love Danny, I think he could be a great person.  But his image, power and money just feel to me like they are more important then actually being happy.

And honestly if I'm not enough to make him happy enough to not be scared to leave it all. Then I'm not being enough security for him either.

I regret nothing. But I sure am ready to have some thinking time. Hopefully after the talk i had tonight . That made me feel not do crazy for feeling the way I do.

I'll be able to judge things better. And know it's all about me. And for every single person , it should be. 

I don't want to be alone forever

Lady gaga has a song on her newest album called gypsy. And it is exactly how I feel. "I don't want to be alone forever, but I can be tonight."

I was realizing last night after I gave frank and Nathan a hug good bye. That I am really craving a real hug. Not that anyone is bad at hugging, but I just realize that I don't have anyone that I hug that I feel like is bettering me. I want to feel a hug from someone who I look up to. I want someone to look up to. I want someone whose opinion about me I respect. And I want that opinion to about the amazing potential I know I have wanting to burst out of me. 

I can not think of a Senerio for my life that would truly be happy without that. Also I can not think of one that would be hell with it. 

I'm tired of feeling pompous and erogant for saying what I feel to be true. Actually I'm kind of fed up with talking all together.

I did a show this past Sunday. It was pretty fun. And we are excited to do another. The rush I got from the nerves was amazing. And addicting. Also discovered that "two midgets shitting in a bucket" is the funniest thing ever

2 new friends!

Had a great day yesterday. I've been really wanting a cat lately. I just feel like a kitty would lift my mood. So me and Cora got up and got breakfast at Mkids and headed for the humane society. Well they didn't open until noon. And it was like 10:30. So I thought hey, let's go to the valley mall and get some games. And maybe stop and see Sarah and see if she has a kitty! 

Well we got lots of cool games! 

And we went and saw Sarah, and she had some cats. One we liked and would have got, but we found out it did not like to be held, and that's a need for me. Plus it was kind of biter. Then Cora kept saying she liked the black one with pretty eyes. But he was boring. Just sat in the corner watching everyone. Lol I finally went ok. At least your pretty. So we bought him. He's 3 years old and is a great cat! Very chill, friendly, lovey, good with Cora. Plus I've always wanted a witchy black cat lol. 

I named it Liebschen. It's German for like darling, or little love. It's always been the name I wanted to name a cat if I ever got a witchy one lol. Everyone else seems to have given him their own names. Which is fine with me. Lol Cora is calling him hello kitty. 

 Later Cora went with grandma somewhere, and I went and got cat stuff, and went to st vinnies and got more games! And puzzles!

Then frank and Nathan came over for once upon a time in wonderland. And we played some of my new games. Frank had to leave early because he works early. But me and Nathan stayed up all night plotting one of the puzzles together over and over lol it was only 100 piece. But it is of an adorable wizard! Almost didn't get that one but it was buy one get one free! So I ran back. Glad I did because I for see that thing being some serious therapy haha

I think I'll go put him together right now..

Seriously how cool is this guy? I thought it would be funner to this with Cora then it is so far... Lol she's too ADD for a 100 piece puzzle. Oh well. 

I need to start doing something with day. It's almost 1. 

Still bed ridden with depression.

I realized today, that I'm still here, because of him. 

I have completely given up. I have no strength to leave, I have no strength to stay. 

I have this weird thing lately that I noticed where I can't bring myself to do anything for myself. It feels like a waste of time, even if the only other thing I'd be doing with that time is nothing at all. Like now. I don't get it at all. Even personal hygiene is something I have to force myself to do. 

I also realized after my time in bed all week. That I can't leave anyway, unless I have a clear conscience. It won't be any better out there always feeling guilty. 

I was watching once upon a time in wonderland today, and it's full of even more sappy love stories then the regular show. All everyone in a fairy tale every wants is to find someone to instantly fall in love with and instantly have the same common goal with. To escape their shitty lives (because they always have shitty lives)

Well what if your Prince Charming doesn't want to leave his shitty life? What if his shitty life is turning him into an evil villain? What all of a sudden the princess finds herself trapped in her bed because the prince can't just see he's not fallowing the story. 

He's kept her away from the life and people that would make them both live happily ever after, because of greed. Also because he doesn't actually love or trust the princess. She's just a commodity. If he loved her, he probably wouldn't let her. Rot away in his bed for days. But even just that; ignoring her drama, is easier then making a choice.

I honestly don't know what I want, or need. I've given up trying to know. Because I know I'm not thinking right. I've been extremely depressed for a really long time. Well before I knew it. But knowing it, has only made it harder.

Eventually though he will have to make that choice. To kick me out, or let me lead. He isn't ready for either. And even though I feel like I not only don't love him, but that I barely like him. But I can't even be sure of those feelings, they have been bred out of resentment of how big of a coward I've discovered him to be. 

I hope my next post is about how happy I am. That he really did come to my rescue, that he wants to run away with me, that he doesn't want to see me drown anymore in this house that I hate. Or this town that I hate. Or the job that I might hate more then anything else in this world. 

But... With being extremely depressed... I think Ive earned the pessimism that I have about the situation. Plus of course my super power of knowing what everyone is feeling all the time. I think it will end with our "love" being a lot more conditional then I ever thought it was. It's all been just a great story. We never had a chance. It just always felt so great to be so inspiring to others. 

It's more important to look happy, then to actually be happy. 

I think he sees it all as hopeless. That I 've made up my mind to hate him. But maybe, just maybe Danny, just one time. You could leave out the bullshit. Be honest with me. Not ignore me, not make small talk, no excuses, no stupid rules and requirements. Just honesty. Good or bad. With me and yourself. Just maybe, at least one of us would see hope. But you've never fought for me not once. You've left me in that dungeon. 

To scared to fight the dragon between us. 

You have to know Danny, that I do love you. I could never resent someone so much if I didn't. But the more you make me hate you. The harder it is to reverse it. Ignoring me only has 2 out comes: more work for you to fix it. Or well I guess less heart ache when you have to kick me out. 

Yay things aren't getting better!

I have decided no matter how hard I try to be in denial. It isn't working anymore. I know I hate this. And I hate watching him never be better. I had an episode a couple nights ago. I couldn't stand him all night. And then I snapped at him, we went to bed mad, and spent the next day mad. I've realized since the fight and not talking to each other since. That it is because of my empathy. Not because I'm being empathetic to him, but because I resent him, a lot, for having close to none himself. 

After reading like 3 long ass articles yesterday about empathy, I realize that I am very empathetic and need to get some control on it. Mostly though it's about other people taking advantage of that, and me letting them. I always give people the benifit of a dout. I can always tell when I'm being lied to, and usually the extent of the lie. I mean I can tell if it's just added flair to a story, making something seem like more then it is. To full on that did not happen at all. 

I almost never call people out on the lies. Because I can read between the lines. If someone has to make crap up to tell me about why they can't be somewhere or do something they are supposed to. I don't question their motives. I know they don't want to do it for some reason. And are trained to have a better story then "I'm tired" or "I drank last night" or "I just don't feel comfortable going to said place" I would totally except any of those. Because that's what I hear anyway. I also tried my hand at playing the story telling game when I was a teenager. It was a rush I couldn't understand why people were so dumb and couldn't tell I was full of shit. Well they could sometimes lol. 

But anymore I find it very hard to lie. At least to people I know. About anything. I try to say exactly what I think. I can be scary good at it though when I need to. Because I know what to look for in a lier, I know how to do it right. But I can only do it with people I'm not close to. And I only do it if it's needed and on a whim. I never plan a lie. Rule number 1, never plan to lie.

But for people I am close to... If I have something I don't want them to know or worry about. I just shut down or find something to distract. I will avoid bringing anyone into it by pushing them away. Which is really dumb. But once I let someone in, I become way to vonerible to them. And it has never worked out once for me. I become a burden or a target. Or because of my carefree additude and empathy towards others, I become the psychologist. People I don't even know, feel comfortable to tell me the weirdest shit. And I never judge. I encourage their honesty, and feel honored that they felt comfortable enough with just my presents to open up like that and show me their real self. I wish I could do it. To a stranger or not. 

I need desperatly to find a way to release some of this. I am extremely depressed. All the time. If I'm not depressed I'm extremely anxious. I feel trapped here. I'm too depressed to even know what to do. I need to leave. I know that. 

Danny isn't someone I find comfort in anymore. I feel trapped by him. He wants me to be something for him that I can't. Last night I was having a totally depressed hard day. Couldn't get out if bed. Him and Cora left to have dinner with his parents. I wanted to go hang out with my friends. But had so much anxiety about leaving. Because I thought he would be mad. I realized I had to go because i can not keep letting that fear win. It's not fair. I can't handle anyone being mad at me. Even if I'm mad at them. Actually usually my anger comes from their anger. Empathy at work again. And Danny is always mad at something. 

He did do a really awesome sweet thing for me a couple days ago I should write about. But I will do it in my next post. I'm not exactly having a great day. As usual. 

Danny is trying to take Cora somewhere to play. It drives me crazy. He always tries to guilt trip me because I don't want to do it, but I hate those places. It's anxiety over load for me. And i can see it in her that it's to much for her a lot of the time. But he insist on it. Like we aren't good parents unless we get her socialized with the fat kids at mcdonalds. Right now she's sick, sore throat, runny nose. Tired and cranky. she's walking around crying about nothing. And I'm sure she doesn't have a diaper on because he LOVES setting her up for failure. They are going to go, not have fun and come home angry and crying and spanking and telling and all this shit just because he was trying to force her to have fun.

Well I think this post is long enough. I'm going to go get some barter faire medicine. And lay here dreaming on the internet about all things I wish I was doing. And hopefully will do soon

October has been way better then September lol

So Me and Danny have had some pretty good fights lately. But honestly. Emotionally. I am finally in a better place. I think we both have been way too dramatic through all of this. And both have done and said things out of desperation. So I talked it over with Danny and decided, I'm done being so guarded. I love him, he loves me, we both love coraline, and we need to stop being so mad at each other for the fact that our lives have changed. Both of us. 

I have figured out that I've been selfish in that I've just decided he doesn't like who I am. When I really need to just be the me I want to be and let him decide if he does or doesn't like it. It also feels selfish though, because I have decided I don't like the him he has become. But I expect him to like my new me. As selfish as that might be, I feel like I have gone through most of this because of who he has become. And I know it's not who he wants to be. 

It's all about fear. They use fear to control us. He is afraid to leave his job, or not feel secure about money. And it's making him a moody crazy stressed out person. 

Working with him has been hard. I don't think he is a good boss. At least managing people. I have had fun though managing the haunted house. I went to the tonasket barter fair this past weekend. And found out that house needs me to run well! Lol Danny did not have fun doing it alone.

The barter fair was a big awesome adventure! I was able to concor so many fears and new things! We got the ambulance all fixed up with new tires and belts. They did something though that made thing not start and need to be jumped.. But even so, I felt a lot safer driving it after that. I drove all the way there. And did fine. Couldn't get it go very fast ove passes.. Seriously like 35mph max usually lol 45 level 55 down hill haha but I was supposed to keep the RPMs around 2000, anything over makes it go into over drive, which chugs the fuel! Just another thing to get fixed. It's deal with able for now though.

It was so nice to be forced to learn so much about the thing. Learned its corky things, feel more comfortable driving it. Learned that I bought a great propane heater that saved our lives and learned that as long as I have warmth everything else is just a luxury (because nothing else worked and we were fine;)

We got there late and parked and walked around. It was really fun seeing all the hippies and feeling like I didn't stand out so much :) I've never been to a drum circle. It was lamer then I imagined. But still fun. The booths were fun. So many random things. I loved being able to barter. I loved that everything was so open. And easy. You could make a lot of money at these kind of things. Next time I'm buying an ounce and making treats to barter! Also taking cigarettes again. I took a carton and didn't have much luck until the last day. I took them and went around the campground asking to trade for weed! I traded 6 packs of organic American spirits that cost me about $5.50 each for probably around $100 worth of weed at least. I'd say that's a good deal!  

The rest I traded to a cool food vender :) he saved my life! I took a chinchilla hoping to barter him but that didn't work out and it was just a pain. So was the ambulance not starting when we needed to go. About 4 hours and 6 different jumps later. We finally got it going. Phil and deller were having car trouble too. (Some friends from Spokane) And helped out a lot. Everyone who stayed and tried to help get the thing started ended up just mostly helping restore my faith in humanity. Which I think I needed more. The rest of the drive was fine. Lol slow, but fine. 

I came home to a grumpy Danny. He proceeded to tell me how horrible his weekend was. But his tone was very accusing and like I was supposed to feel bad for him. I went to bed mad. Even after my long day of car trouble and how great I felt that I figured it out with out his help. And how I was excited to tell him all about it and how him and Cora are totally going next year. They'd have a blast. And I just instantly went quite and wanted to shower and sleep. He came in and felt bad and sort of apologized. But was still trying to make it out to be my fault. 

But honestly. After that trip, I feel good, I feel like me. And I feel like I'm not going to be anything else. I'm calm and happy and just here. And I want to keep that. He also got all mad at me last night for stating out to late at the bar. He left for work early and pretended he wasn't mad about anything but he was. Then he felt bad because he thought I was mad at him for being mad. But I'm still pretty zen. Usually I would be mad at him. But I know now. By getting upset I'm feeding his overreactions and one of us needs to change or neither of us will. If he doesn't like that I don't care that he's mad when I don't see at justifiable. Then he's going to just have to learn to deal with that. 

My new trick is to not apologize for anything any more. At least not this kind of stuff. Anything I do I will own up to it. It's who I am and apologizing for being who I am just doesn't seem healthy. 

I will go on about my life until he is cooled down. I'm going to try not to hold these tantrums against him. I know it's weird to have me not be do defensive. Hopefully it will help with his stress. It's helping with mine. I just want to be 2 people who are aloud to be and do their own thing. And enjoy each other's company and companionship. Help each other out. Love each other. And can just leave it at being that simple. And even though it would be hard. I know after this past year, if he decides that's not good enough for him, then I'm fine with moving on. But I have faith that everything is going to get a lot better from now on :) 

Really?

I am so hurt right now. After all these months, the torture he has put me through... I finally come to a compromise with him. All this compromising was great, until the night I finally hang out with my friends again. And he shuts me out cold and won't talk to me. Going back to old habits of thinking if he ignores the problem long enough it will go away. We'll guess what. I sure am. I feel used, I feel lied to, I feel taken advantage of. At this point there is nothing he could say to make me change my mind. There is nothing more disgusting then having a sleaze ball pretend nothing is wrong and then have his grope you while your doing his gross dishes. 

This man tells me we are so broke right now we can't do anything. Especially not take care of the problems with the ambulance. Well actually last night he told me there was nothing wrong with it. And that I'm using that as an excuse. 

Not any more. I don't care what I have to do. I don't care how much I cry this week. There is nothing he can hold overmuch head or take away from me that would make me want to have anything to do with him. 

We should have never moved back to Idaho. Or maybe this was all just inevitable. I kind of couldn't stand him there either. But at least I had the will to try. He has become a huge asshole since becoming a "director"at Silverwood. Not only am I NOT the only who sees that. Im pretty sure you could ask anyone who knew him before and now and they'd agree with me. 

I hope you find yourself Danny Myers. I can't wait to get myself back. Being a depressed stoner is not who I want to be. I can't wait give coraline the childhood she deserves. 

Ps: the reason I haven't wrote in so long is because my hard drive on my laptop died. My director of IT seems to be afraid of apple. He did finally get me a new phone though. Which was much needed. I guess I just have to wonder how long he plans on paying the service for it... I'd say as long as he wants to be able to talk to his daughter. 

Never Forget

Happy 9-11! no wait... bleh
Anywho, Yesterday was fun, we went on a day trip to the ocean! Westport, Wa. It was a nice beach and I had a great time in the ocean. Just letting the waves sweep over me :).

Found a few shells and saw a few towns. Went through Tacoma on the way there, and Stopped in Olympia on the way back to get some water from the artesian well. There were a lot of hipsters around it was funny. got some good water though! Got some fun pictures today! I love my camera :)

Danny has been quite harassing lately. Ruining my nights, and going back and forth with his emotions. He hates my guts one minute, he can't live without me the next. I wish he could be nicer. I really would love to be able to talk to him, and have him be there for me. I know it would do him a lot of good to have me be there for him too. It doesn't have to be this hard. He keeps resenting me for being able to ditch out on everything, and he has every right. I Think I resent him a little for deciding that i'm a bad person because i feel like my goals and dreams aren't as important as his. he always says how he would love for me to get a job and him be a stay at home dad. It isn't true though. I am offering just that. I love him and this is super hard for me, but i just don't want the same things he does. i really really wish he wanted the same things i do... i also wish he trusted me enough to the decision maker in our relationship. I am ready to be in the drivers seat. 

My future is so unpredictable right now. I could be anywhere a year from now. Will I be happy? I better be. Right now I see happiness including Danny, but right now he doesn't trust me enough to let him affect much of my decision making.. I want to help him, but am scared if I do talk him into going with me, there will be a power struggle and we will fight to much. That won't work at all and Cora doesn't need that. no matter what happens I will have to come to Cd'a several times a year probably for Coralines sake. She needs her daddy.. and he needs her.. It sure would be a lot easier to be happy though if he would just let me in, and stop resenting me for having a spiritual awakening. I'd love to help him have one himself. Hell, I'd just love for him talk to me about anything right now... 

anyway.. tomorrow we are going for a bike ride, and then friday I have a hair appointment! can't wait to get these dreads tightened up!!

Redmond

I have been in Redmond staying with Jacob to try and collect my thoughts. I've been here for like 4 days now, and it's been helping a lot. I don't have Coraline, she is with Danyelle in the Tri-Cities until friday. It's funny all 3 of us have been apart since wednesday I think. I think we needed this pretty bad. I'm having a pretty bad night emotionally right now. I just was overly reminded that I don't have anyone anymore. I know I am the one leaving all them but, it sure does feel like their love for me was pretty conditional... this world is horrible and I am making it my mission to find people in it that actually have open loving hearts. I want to feel excepted and like I'm aloud to just be me right now. not who I was, or who I'm supposed to be. just me. now. as what ever I feel like being right this damn second. I'm sorry to everyone that lost the me they thought they knew. I'm now the me I want to know....


We bought the ambulance. It is perfect, I am going to turn it into the coolest house ever. It's big enough to fit everything I could possibly want in there. I was going to work on it while here and then drive it back home, but we decided Danny should drive it home because it is a little scary to drive at least compared to our little insight lol. So I need to get used to it on more familiar roads. it was crazy though we thought it had a full tank of 100 gallons, but the gas gauge doesn't work. we topped it off and it over flowed, and Danny ran out of gas on the way home... the guy acted like it got 15 mpg but that was like 2mpg.. so we need to get that checked out because that is not ok. I suspect the fuel injectors but I am no mechanic... I really want to get to know this vehicle because we might be friends for a long time, and it is a '91 so ya know, it is old enough to drink ;) and break down for a lot of reasons... lol I want to know how to fix as much as I can on it myself. Because I won't always be near someone who can fix it for me, or near money.

The only thing I even really need to change in it (other then add some color and awesomeness to it!) is a bed situation. trying to figure out a way to do that easily, I want to be able to fit me and cora and a guest without pitching a tent. there is room for 7 people to sit, but not much room for people to sleep. It would be fun if 7 people actually wanted to travel with me. But also I like that there is all that room to sit, because I want to use the ambulance as a gimmick for selling something at fairs and stuff. I am still trying to decide what though... best I have come up with is the fact that it has 4 oxygen hook ups and I could easily do an oxygen bar. But.. I dunno if there is much call for that and much money to be made, so I would have to sell something else too. Although it is easy to sell things to people that are trapped sitting in your "store" sucking up up oxygen :) I'll figure it out. if oxygen doesn't work, I won't have much invested into it. here is a picture of the inside. It's old but it looks the same.

Namaste!

Happy Birthday to me....

I am so glad to get out of here tomorrow.. I have never been like this and I need some time to heal.. Just when i was starting to feel like I was coming out of this, my mother has to make me feel like a horrible mom. Yes I am not enjoying the job right now. I am kind of not enjoying the fact that I am alive right now. and the only thing in the long run that has kept me from just running away and disappearing is Coraline. I want to do this right, and I want to do that for her. I don't want to screw her up. I don't want to be this impatient all the time. I am doing the best I can to fix the problem so I don't continue to be a crazy person, and can focus on her.

I am really sick of everyones opinion of me. I realized tonight that I have had some kind of standard to keep up. An Image. I feel like I am letting everyone down because I don't get to fuck up. I think I would really enjoy if everyone would stop treating me like I am supposed to be better then who I am. You all think I'm crazy, but im not.
You all think I'm strong, but im not.
Nothing I am doing is that big of a deal. I wish people would be happy for me. and not make me feel like an idiot and an asshole. You are all just jealous that I am willing to change the things in my life that arent working for me. just sit there on your cushions and never appreciate them.

Let's do this 30's I'm ready.

Movin' back

Today I cleaned out my stuff and left my moms house and came back home. Hopefully it won't be for long, but this is better for Coraline. She needs her own room and some structure. I am scared of being in the house with Danny again. hopefully we can make this work until I leave... I feel like in going back I am losing a lot of respect from my friends.. But Danny is calmed down, and hopefully will give me space. Hopefully Ill be here until my Birthday TOPS!

My Last Saturday

So since my last post, I have been feeling better. It took me a few days to get my strength back. I started eating again, and getting some sleep. I think that was my rock bottom. I still am having weird depression and anxiety problems. like hyper sensitivity to everything. It is strange to me that You have to get that low to be strong enough to come out of it. I am trying to figure out why, but i have been very sensitive to peoples opinions of me. Ive always thought of myself as someone who didnt care about that... i guess there is a difference... i dont care if people care about what im like on the outside, i think thats why i dress so weird. since i dont care, why not have fun? but i do care about what people think of me on the inside. i dont like feeling like anyone thinks im a bad person. and when i think about it, ive always been insecure about that... i dont like running into people i knew when i was a teenager, because i dont like who i was then. (not that i regret anything) I just dont want to see and talk to people who think of me differently then i am now. i get very upset when i think someones mad at me. i always have. i wish i had realized this a long time ago. i will never leave an argument unresolved again. because this whole depression has been caused by me being too worried about what everyone else is thinking about me, and thats stupid.


But over the last few days of healing, dannys really been there for me. i had a couple of episodes that involved some things being thrown, and sedatives being used. but he helped me get through it. This whole experience has been hard. we have both been mean to each other. both in so much pain. We have also learned a lot about each other. it has kind of been like mr and mrs smith. anyway, I plan to leave as soon after Labor day as possible. I have changed my mind on living in the truck. I decided i wanted a van. it would just be better all around. and then we found an ambulance :) and it was so cool! but then he sold it... then we found another one and its bigger! it seems great! hoping to buy it this coming week. if not, im willing to just take the first van i see. im done!

I think the ambulance will be really good. its big enough to be a comfortable home. only gets about 8mpg so traveling will probably be slow most of the time. but thats not a big deal as long as i can park where i wont need to use the thing to drive around. ill be ok. my lose plan right now is to spend as much of september in seattle as i can. then go bak to town for scary wood. once that is over i should have enough money to drive me and cora to florida over the course of 2 weeks, where we will meet up with danny who will be there for some work thing. after all that, we will try and make our way back to mexico baja by january. where we will hopefully meet up with jennessa and who ever else. after that... i will decide from there. i might be home sick and travel north, i might be itchy and adventurous and head south :) ive always wanted to go to south america.... and i will! but maybe very soon :) only time will tell! failed plans is another insecurity of mine. so i prefer to avoid them. or at least when making them, be ok with them changing.

Its funny to me, I have been planning on leaving by my birthday for a while now... and before it was because i was supposed to have a rocking awesome 30th birthday! i was even planning around it being on a tuesday.. maybe we can do something on saturday? either way. i knew it would be something... im turning 30 right?! well on this last saturday of being 29, of living here. I dont think i have any plans :) well... none involving cake or booze, or cards, or even friends. someday when i look back on my 30s im going to remember the freedom.

Namaste!

I think I snapped

So... I am having a serious nervous breakdown. No one is really taking me seriously... but I can barely move, can't stop crying, super hyper sensitive to light, sound, touch... everything.. I have a hard time eating.... I am afriad to be around people right now. even people I know.. actually kind of especially people I know. I feel judged, I feel everyone is disappointed in me and i feel constantly attacked.  I almost bailed out of doing the show because I have been so weak, and distracted emotionally. Every day is harder, more crying, less appetite, getting weaker and disoriented..

Yesterday I felt good, I had been extremely upset, and Danny stayed home from work sunday to be around for me. it helped a lot. i was so weak and disoriented and he helped me get focused for the show. I actually got pretty excited and we got all ready, I was loving my costumes and nathan looked beautiful. and then we find out the show has been moved to next week! what a let down... I am not sure i can wait that long right now... We got some great pictures at least.. We spent the rest of the night in the garage, me taking pictures and playing with them.

Meanwhile I guess danny was festering about the fact i wasnt hanging out with him. and went to bed mad at me. well the thing is it always seems to hurt more when ive had a good day... and i am so crazy fragile at this point... anything will upset me. and i am teetering on disappearing. But the next morning i realized he was mad with me... he tried to hide it but just that fact... well i litterally kind of snapped.. i couldnt get out of bed. stayed in bed all day. I was so emotionally unstable today that something happened with conscious state and i started seeing lots of pretty purple when i closed my eyes. it got to a point where... the darkness when i close my eyes looks different. It looks like it is farther away from my face kinda? also everything has chasers and everything looks pixelated kinda..

Danny came home to me still in bed, a mess. he brought me a jamba juice but i ended up dropping it. i couldnt even talk. i had been freaking out all day about having to eventually see someone. I am not even sure anymore what i want. and im not sure what i expected out of him.. but he came and layed down with me and fell asleep. didnt ask anything, didnt say anything. i didnt like that. and with the way i had felt all day, i just got up and left. no phone, no money... no underwear. i just got up and walked. i walked over to franks house, freaking out every time a car drove by and saw me. and i was a little scared to see him.. i wasnt ready to even try talking. but he seemed to understand. it took me almost an hour to get there, im surprised i even made it all the way. i just layed in one spot and barely moved for 2 or 3 hour.
then nathan showed up and they kinda made me eat. which helped. and sit up. which helped. and talk a little. which helped too! i got a ride home from nathan, feeling a little better.. and i get home to danny who is crazy mad and build a fortress in all the doorways to keep me out. I am back into depression. luckily i am too wore out and weak to cry much any more. the funny thing is how bad i just wanted to leave today. just drop everything and go.. after tonight.. it might happen tomorrow ;P

feels so good to be clean!!

This has been a crazy busy week.  Been back at the house and its been harder every day. crying so much. and yesterday i couldnt even function it was so much. then i finally got to have a nice talk with danny and feel a million times better. all that pain was good. i feel so much better to have got that out! i feel stronger, happier and motivated to get this show on the road!

i am almost done sewing my costumes for the show in a few days :) i am so excited for this show! Another exciting thing from today was washing my hair just a bit ago :) it felt so good! and i was listening to loreena Mckennitt the whole time i was laying in the tub full of vinegar, baking soda, and lavender bronners soap! so refreshing and my head feels so much better! that music and warm tingly water on my head made me feel so alive and in the moment :) it was beautiful. you can never know how good it can feel to wash your hair until you've gone without doing it for long periods of time.

Waiting is getting so hard, because i am so ansy to be out there. i have watched into the wild a lot lately... and just watched craigslist joe. i like the idea of using craigslist. as of right now im planning on leaving at the beginning of september to go over around seattle and camp and get to know my new home :) ok i should go crash now. my hair is still wet and it feels soooo good! i washed it good!

Namaste!

floatin'

Today I cleaned out my stuff and left my moms house and came back home. Hopefully it won't be for long, but this is better for Coraline. she needs her some stability. I am not sure what that means yet or anything. Danny asked me to go camping with him and coraline, so i did even though i didnt feel good about it.

as usual danny is making the situation awkward. I am trying not to talk much, and am trying to not have anxiety anticipating this turning into a fight just because i am not being overly social with him. But I am not in the mood for his weird lets-play-dumb-and-be-awkward game. Although by not catering to his pouting i think i am technically playing it. lol why am i thinking about this?

It is very pretty out here. and nice temperature at sunset. we are out on the coeur d' alene river. I would consider coming back here. we only brought minimal stuff. because we are only going to be out here until tomorrow. I have decided i really like that tent idea and putting the shell back on the truck.

I found a lot of great stuff on amazon.com like a portable toilet that i like,
and a portable sink, wash tub for laundry, solar generator, i have a heater that runs of propane, a great little fridge... most of that kind of stuff i have found pretty easily. i am mostly worried about storage of my sewing machines and storage of that kind of stuff I am hoping eventually i can make some of my income from flea markets and fairs and things like that. i am pretty sure it is going to take me at least a year to really get in the groove of that, knowing what sells, knowing what events to hit, etc... but i am more worried about the storage then if i could sell the stuff or not lol.

The other thing i am worried about is all my creatures i plan to have growing back there lol kombucha, yoghurts, krauts, not to mention sprouts and mushrooms and herbs... not only is room going to be tight for these things, but it can get pretty bouncy back there. especially if i have to go on a bumpy road. i will have to make sure its all really secure!

lol funny that my 2 biggest fears are about my crafts. sewing and fermenting lol. the things i actually know about.
back in real life ive forgotten that I am afraid of driving, i never go anywhere alone, as much as i like doing it, i dont have much experience camping, ive never lit a fire, i cant back up that truck worth shit and i hate pumping gas! lol but im not worried about any of that stuff because i know i will eventually get better at all of it, and it is all worth learning. honestly im not that worried about the other stuff either. I will find room, and if i don't, it doesnt go with me lol simple as that.

Welp i cant post this, because im no where near wifi, so i will add to this in the morning and post when i get home ;)

Today was fun, we floated down the river for a bit and then i walked back to get the truck and found a lot of fun surprises, like a cute bridge and pretty paths. so after i got back i made cora and danny walk with me and found even more fun! like a castle ruin and "the dark woods" as cora called them. lol the dark woods had booby traps like branches and a rusty barb wire i cut my toe on lol. she would have had a lot more fun had she not been so whiney. we went on a fun little trail too that took us up a mountian and back down and to a creek lol. it was a lot of fun. i am not sure if the awkwardness ever let up. maybe a little. we swam a little more before going home. and danny jumped off a bridge a few times. all in all i guess it was a good day.

Good Days and Bad Days

Tonight was amazing! Most beautiful lightening storm ever! Tonight I danced in the rain and watched the sky be constantly filled with bolts! The air felt amazing and I feel so energized now! I can't even sleep!

"Bring, bring thunder and the
Loud, loud rain
Lead our woes asunder
'Neath our proud, proud veins"

I will leave this open and write more tomorrow lol. I am going to try and sleep now.......

Wow I shouldn't be writing today, how can such a cool night turn into such a bad day? I am staying at my moms house right now. I was woke up by Some crazy old man yelling choice words at the house because My brothers pitbull was out and terrorizing people. So I got up and tried to explain no one was home but me and I dont live here, and the dog wouldn't hurt anyone he's just a barker and is very hyper. but i guess since they were a bunch of zombies and are scared to think outside of a box. Decided even though i told them the owner wasn't home (and i honestly think I should have been thanked for helping get the dog away... what's wrong with this world?) they call the cops and I get 3 tickets! BS! I was so mad, I have been trying to cool down all day, this isn't something that should be ruining my day. I think I am just wore down so much that something like this is all I needed to have a mental breakdown.  Danny took cora after work though and that helped me cool down a lot. I felt bad for her I could not give her any attention at all...


Opps forgot about this post again. Well yesterday was a much better day. grandma and grandpa took Coraline this morning to spend the night. I got a pack of cigarettes on my bad day. and today I sat out in the front yard and smoked a bunch of them while listening to music and playing on the internet and relaxing on the outdoor sofa I brought over :) yeah I am not usually a smoker. I like cigars, but and I'll smoke a cigarette but I smoke it like a cigar lol. I probably should have just bought a nice cigar. would have lasted as long as the cigarettes did, and would taste better! anyway, It was very nice and relaxing, I found a lot of great ideas for my truck instead of building that trailer! i'll post them at the bottom!
then Nathan came over and we did some sewing. Then I went with danny to some work party. it was luau themed, they were roasting a pig. lol free drinks and food lol so we had our fill and left.

first i am going to do something like this first picture in the back under the shell. i am going to do differently then they did. My shell opens on both sides, so one side i want to set up as an indoor/outdoor kitchen and the other side a bed/seating with storage underneath. this way i can be stealthier when im in a city or parking lot or just somewhere i can't set up camp.

The other picture is a roof top tent! The picture has it on the side but I would put so the tent opens over the back of the truck (and yes you can do that) there are 2 doors, in that bottom part so one would be against the back of the truck, so basically when i had it all up and going i wouldnt have to ever go outside unless i wanted to. and it is way lighter to haul then the trailer we were going to build would be.

Also i have a pop up changing room i was going to use for showering and toilet. and was just going to hang sheets around it to keep it some what inclosed also.

I am going to draw out a bunch of plans and post again maybe later or tomorrow. The only thing i am worried about is this winter, I didnt want to have to leave town so soon but it is to cold here to live like this all winter. we will see though. we are going to mexico still hopefully in like december. maybe i wont wanna leave :)

Wonderful day without a happy ending.

Well today started off with me getting up early to surprise Nathan. I have been planning a secret trip to Seattle for his birthday. It was going to be quite a bit more elaborate. But life just isn't convenient lately... and i'm pretty flexible. So I decided I wanted to take him to seattle to go to the zoo (because hes never been), and to go bar hopping on capital hill because its the best, (and maybe we would see some drag queens!) and then saturday, getting my hair cleaned up by my most awesome lady! (over at http://www.fiercelocks.com!)

So first knowing that Nathan is not a big lover of surprises, I decided I needed to make this so he had no reason to say no. So firstly I wanted to take his car because it got the best milage. but his tail lights were out, and I know he wouldnt want to go because his car was messy.

Sooo I arrived at his place of work just before he had to work and tricked him into giving me his keys. I then took his car to the carwash and cleaned it and washed it. took me about an hour lol. but it is nice in there now! then I took it to oil can henry's for an oil change and to see if they could fix the lights. then after i got that done I topped off his gas and was even going to buy cigarettes so he wouldnt need to stop for them in the morning lol. but I forgot. I took the car back and he was happier with my surprise then I thought hed be :) but I told him I had another surprise after he got off work.

well after that I was going to get my oil changed too but danny asked if I wanted to go to the beach with  him and coraline, and his family. so I said yes, and met him there. we went tubbing on the lake with there boat, and swam for a while. Had several good long talks with Danny. I really enjoyed them and I think they helped both of us a lot. but I always worry when I talk to him that he thinks its more progress then I do. like I am coming to my senses or something. but hopefully he can keep it in context. We did have a fun day and went home and ate and played catan. I wanted to leave earlier but the game I set up to be short turned out to be really long lol.
Then towards the end of the game I got a text from Nathan saying he needed me to come over now, it was inportant. so that worried me and I went over there to find out that his dad has past away a just a couple hours ago... well that was like instant cancelation of the trip... So I told him about it since it was a surprise. and yeah he didnt want to go, (even though I made his ability to bailout, fail proof!) so since I had extra money now, I bought a pizza.

It was a really eventful day. I am glad I at least got to meet his dad once. even if it was very briefly....

Namaste

Just some ponders

So this week has been pretty hard emotionally. Danny is taking all this really hard, and that in turn is really hard on me. I don't do well putting others in pain, and it makes me feel horrible when I see it as sacrificing his happiness for my own. But I can't live that way, I can't think that way. I haven't been happy in long a time... possibly maybe ever. Everything has been for working towards getting to "happy".. are we ever going to get there? I mean we have had some great times, and things were never really bad until recently.
But perhaps that is because I tried to not make waves. I don't think I saw how unhappy I was until I got to have a few months to myself in seattle, and I found how happy I was living for myself. It made me realize how bored Ive been and how much I have been letting my wants and needs be suppressed... and that it is time for me to wake up! I am hear to experience, not be a menial house wife waiting to grow old so I can enjoy life then. We should be aloud to enjoy life from day one.
Everyone in this world who is suffering, (if they realize they are or not) Should not be. It is all because we put to much power in money, and we are letting bad people have to much control of the money. So they have convinced us that money is important and that we need to work our asses off to get it and we waste our whole lives trying to make money and pay off all our things that cost money that by buying made someone else rich and powerful and corrupt. All the while we are born into this system and have no other way to think then this is it. I will not be worth anything if I cannot hold a job and have assets. Horrible things are happening all over the world because money is power and to get it some people have to suffer. Genocide is happening constantly and we never hear about it. Powerless people being exploited by powerful people. But the best thing you can do about it, is leave that system, and enjoy your life. Which is exactly what I plan to do :)

As I write this blog all I can think about is how bad my grammar probably is, and just thank the universe that someone decided spell check should be mandatory! (mandatory was brought to you by spell check.) But fuck that! (add an extra t to that last but and lol for real ;) I think it's amazing... no I need to stop using "I" that is the ego talking, and we are all one... It is amazing that I can even sit here and write this now. For me to be able to read and write so well that I can write as it pops into my head and my ideas and thoughts are captured and put into words. And what are the odds of me being able to do this? on this planet even what were the odds i'd be human? Of those humans one capable of writing, and of those, being someone who is willing to make time and do it for no other reason then it makes me feel good. In all of the universe less then 1 percent is matter, the planets and stars everything else counts in that 1% and out of that less then %1 is something that could even sustain life. how many percent of that do you think does? Don't you see? the universe is like a living thing, we are part of it and the highest thing it can experience is being living matter. We are the universe trying to have a physical experience. This IS heaven. We have things all over to help us enjoy it, psychedelics to help you connect with your soul, and a body capable of taking you places and seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling. yet we waste all of that awesomeness because someone invented money. lol okay that was a pretty good rant. Your welcome.

Yes, I know I 'm crazy

So a lot has happened lately. Firstly I have decided to get a separation from Danny; my husband of 5 years and best friend since 1996. It is something that has been really hard, since he is my best friend and my whole adult life knows nothing but him. I have dreams though, and am unhappy with who I am letting myself be right now. He is not happy right now himself, and I can only hope that he will let this help him as well. I feel like possibly in the future when we are both happier people, we can try again. For now though, this is what is best for everyone involved, even if they don't think so. especially Coraline. It has been really hard on her to see that we aren't getting along.

Sooooo I have decided to build a Vardo and adventure into the world on my own :)

This is something I have always dreamed of doing, and even more so now that I have this new found freedom. Danny is helping design and build the Vardo which will be in the shape of a trailer on the back of my truck. after that I will probably stay in the area through the winter, just to get used to living in the trailer first before I get used to living in a different place. That way I can park at several peoples houses since everyone I know and love is here! Of course I will probably take a few trips, but no where to far. Of course.. this all can change on a moments notice... thats how I roll. 

By spring though I plan to go find adventure! I'd like to stay as spontaneous as possible, because I feel that if I have no plan I can't be disappointed. My only goals are to enjoy every possible moment, Live in the moment, and to do things that scare me as often as possible! I also have a goal of finding cool people who might possibly be interesting in starting a commune type thing with me someday. but thats something I will have to plan for better at a different time.

To me living this way only makes since. It is smarter, cheaper and so much less stressful. I want to have myself set up so I will have everything I need. Toilet, shower, kitchen (even though I am going to eat mostly raw) Solar power for when I need it. I plan on doing a lot of temp work. I'm not willing to get rid of my hair for the sake of a job. but I shouldn't need more then temp work. I really am just mostly worried about money for gas. Food I can work around. Food stamps, food banks, foraging, etc. There are just options for food if I get desperate. There are no options for gas but money.

Here are some great websites I have found for anyone reading this who is either interested in doing this too, or just wants to understand what I am doing better. (I know I am bad at explaining... it is hard for me to explain, try and explain why you would want to have a house, and cars and bills and a career and constantly be busy going to school and work all your life, getting to work in the car you bought because of the job... and doing things that make you tired and unhappy and stressed just to live somewhere full of stuff you've bought that you are away from most of the time. I am not sure why any of that makes more since or seems easier then having the freedom to be where ever I want in the world, with nothing to do that isn't what I want to do.... anyway here are the websites lol.

cheaprvliving.com (this is one of my favorite sites. lots of ideas and help!)
craigslist.com (rideshares, barters, jobs, randomness. who doesn't love craigslist?)
hiremenow.com (website for temp work. there are a lot of ways to find temp work though)
I am trying to figure out what to do with cora while I am "working" I will just have to solve those problems as they come along. If I am working at an event, maybe she could just be at the event.. or if I am picking fruit, maybe she could play while I'm picking, if not, hopefully I will be able to park where I can see my car. and she can just hang out inside while I work. boring for her. But I shouldn't have to do it very often. living off $500 a month seems like more then enough. But only time will tell!

I am very excited for this adventure to start. I want to try and write in this blog daily once it has, and post pictures. I hope that my Journey from being a domesticated middle class house wife to an adventuring nomadic hippy can inspire others to want a simpler happier life. 

Namaste:

My soul honors your soul

I honor the place in you where the in tire universe resides.

I honor the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you, because it is also within me.

In sharing these things we are united, we are the same.

We are one.