I have figured out that I've been selfish in that I've just decided he doesn't like who I am. When I really need to just be the me I want to be and let him decide if he does or doesn't like it. It also feels selfish though, because I have decided I don't like the him he has become. But I expect him to like my new me. As selfish as that might be, I feel like I have gone through most of this because of who he has become. And I know it's not who he wants to be.
It's all about fear. They use fear to control us. He is afraid to leave his job, or not feel secure about money. And it's making him a moody crazy stressed out person.
Working with him has been hard. I don't think he is a good boss. At least managing people. I have had fun though managing the haunted house. I went to the tonasket barter fair this past weekend. And found out that house needs me to run well! Lol Danny did not have fun doing it alone.
The barter fair was a big awesome adventure! I was able to concor so many fears and new things! We got the ambulance all fixed up with new tires and belts. They did something though that made thing not start and need to be jumped.. But even so, I felt a lot safer driving it after that. I drove all the way there. And did fine. Couldn't get it go very fast ove passes.. Seriously like 35mph max usually lol 45 level 55 down hill haha but I was supposed to keep the RPMs around 2000, anything over makes it go into over drive, which chugs the fuel! Just another thing to get fixed. It's deal with able for now though.
It was so nice to be forced to learn so much about the thing. Learned its corky things, feel more comfortable driving it. Learned that I bought a great propane heater that saved our lives and learned that as long as I have warmth everything else is just a luxury (because nothing else worked and we were fine;)
We got there late and parked and walked around. It was really fun seeing all the hippies and feeling like I didn't stand out so much :) I've never been to a drum circle. It was lamer then I imagined. But still fun. The booths were fun. So many random things. I loved being able to barter. I loved that everything was so open. And easy. You could make a lot of money at these kind of things. Next time I'm buying an ounce and making treats to barter! Also taking cigarettes again. I took a carton and didn't have much luck until the last day. I took them and went around the campground asking to trade for weed! I traded 6 packs of organic American spirits that cost me about $5.50 each for probably around $100 worth of weed at least. I'd say that's a good deal!
The rest I traded to a cool food vender :) he saved my life! I took a chinchilla hoping to barter him but that didn't work out and it was just a pain. So was the ambulance not starting when we needed to go. About 4 hours and 6 different jumps later. We finally got it going. Phil and deller were having car trouble too. (Some friends from Spokane) And helped out a lot. Everyone who stayed and tried to help get the thing started ended up just mostly helping restore my faith in humanity. Which I think I needed more. The rest of the drive was fine. Lol slow, but fine.
I came home to a grumpy Danny. He proceeded to tell me how horrible his weekend was. But his tone was very accusing and like I was supposed to feel bad for him. I went to bed mad. Even after my long day of car trouble and how great I felt that I figured it out with out his help. And how I was excited to tell him all about it and how him and Cora are totally going next year. They'd have a blast. And I just instantly went quite and wanted to shower and sleep. He came in and felt bad and sort of apologized. But was still trying to make it out to be my fault.
But honestly. After that trip, I feel good, I feel like me. And I feel like I'm not going to be anything else. I'm calm and happy and just here. And I want to keep that. He also got all mad at me last night for stating out to late at the bar. He left for work early and pretended he wasn't mad about anything but he was. Then he felt bad because he thought I was mad at him for being mad. But I'm still pretty zen. Usually I would be mad at him. But I know now. By getting upset I'm feeding his overreactions and one of us needs to change or neither of us will. If he doesn't like that I don't care that he's mad when I don't see at justifiable. Then he's going to just have to learn to deal with that.
My new trick is to not apologize for anything any more. At least not this kind of stuff. Anything I do I will own up to it. It's who I am and apologizing for being who I am just doesn't seem healthy.
I will go on about my life until he is cooled down. I'm going to try not to hold these tantrums against him. I know it's weird to have me not be do defensive. Hopefully it will help with his stress. It's helping with mine. I just want to be 2 people who are aloud to be and do their own thing. And enjoy each other's company and companionship. Help each other out. Love each other. And can just leave it at being that simple. And even though it would be hard. I know after this past year, if he decides that's not good enough for him, then I'm fine with moving on. But I have faith that everything is going to get a lot better from now on :)
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