Yay things aren't getting better!

I have decided no matter how hard I try to be in denial. It isn't working anymore. I know I hate this. And I hate watching him never be better. I had an episode a couple nights ago. I couldn't stand him all night. And then I snapped at him, we went to bed mad, and spent the next day mad. I've realized since the fight and not talking to each other since. That it is because of my empathy. Not because I'm being empathetic to him, but because I resent him, a lot, for having close to none himself. 

After reading like 3 long ass articles yesterday about empathy, I realize that I am very empathetic and need to get some control on it. Mostly though it's about other people taking advantage of that, and me letting them. I always give people the benifit of a dout. I can always tell when I'm being lied to, and usually the extent of the lie. I mean I can tell if it's just added flair to a story, making something seem like more then it is. To full on that did not happen at all. 

I almost never call people out on the lies. Because I can read between the lines. If someone has to make crap up to tell me about why they can't be somewhere or do something they are supposed to. I don't question their motives. I know they don't want to do it for some reason. And are trained to have a better story then "I'm tired" or "I drank last night" or "I just don't feel comfortable going to said place" I would totally except any of those. Because that's what I hear anyway. I also tried my hand at playing the story telling game when I was a teenager. It was a rush I couldn't understand why people were so dumb and couldn't tell I was full of shit. Well they could sometimes lol. 

But anymore I find it very hard to lie. At least to people I know. About anything. I try to say exactly what I think. I can be scary good at it though when I need to. Because I know what to look for in a lier, I know how to do it right. But I can only do it with people I'm not close to. And I only do it if it's needed and on a whim. I never plan a lie. Rule number 1, never plan to lie.

But for people I am close to... If I have something I don't want them to know or worry about. I just shut down or find something to distract. I will avoid bringing anyone into it by pushing them away. Which is really dumb. But once I let someone in, I become way to vonerible to them. And it has never worked out once for me. I become a burden or a target. Or because of my carefree additude and empathy towards others, I become the psychologist. People I don't even know, feel comfortable to tell me the weirdest shit. And I never judge. I encourage their honesty, and feel honored that they felt comfortable enough with just my presents to open up like that and show me their real self. I wish I could do it. To a stranger or not. 

I need desperatly to find a way to release some of this. I am extremely depressed. All the time. If I'm not depressed I'm extremely anxious. I feel trapped here. I'm too depressed to even know what to do. I need to leave. I know that. 

Danny isn't someone I find comfort in anymore. I feel trapped by him. He wants me to be something for him that I can't. Last night I was having a totally depressed hard day. Couldn't get out if bed. Him and Cora left to have dinner with his parents. I wanted to go hang out with my friends. But had so much anxiety about leaving. Because I thought he would be mad. I realized I had to go because i can not keep letting that fear win. It's not fair. I can't handle anyone being mad at me. Even if I'm mad at them. Actually usually my anger comes from their anger. Empathy at work again. And Danny is always mad at something. 

He did do a really awesome sweet thing for me a couple days ago I should write about. But I will do it in my next post. I'm not exactly having a great day. As usual. 

Danny is trying to take Cora somewhere to play. It drives me crazy. He always tries to guilt trip me because I don't want to do it, but I hate those places. It's anxiety over load for me. And i can see it in her that it's to much for her a lot of the time. But he insist on it. Like we aren't good parents unless we get her socialized with the fat kids at mcdonalds. Right now she's sick, sore throat, runny nose. Tired and cranky. she's walking around crying about nothing. And I'm sure she doesn't have a diaper on because he LOVES setting her up for failure. They are going to go, not have fun and come home angry and crying and spanking and telling and all this shit just because he was trying to force her to have fun.

Well I think this post is long enough. I'm going to go get some barter faire medicine. And lay here dreaming on the internet about all things I wish I was doing. And hopefully will do soon