Still bed ridden with depression.

I realized today, that I'm still here, because of him. 

I have completely given up. I have no strength to leave, I have no strength to stay. 

I have this weird thing lately that I noticed where I can't bring myself to do anything for myself. It feels like a waste of time, even if the only other thing I'd be doing with that time is nothing at all. Like now. I don't get it at all. Even personal hygiene is something I have to force myself to do. 

I also realized after my time in bed all week. That I can't leave anyway, unless I have a clear conscience. It won't be any better out there always feeling guilty. 

I was watching once upon a time in wonderland today, and it's full of even more sappy love stories then the regular show. All everyone in a fairy tale every wants is to find someone to instantly fall in love with and instantly have the same common goal with. To escape their shitty lives (because they always have shitty lives)

Well what if your Prince Charming doesn't want to leave his shitty life? What if his shitty life is turning him into an evil villain? What all of a sudden the princess finds herself trapped in her bed because the prince can't just see he's not fallowing the story. 

He's kept her away from the life and people that would make them both live happily ever after, because of greed. Also because he doesn't actually love or trust the princess. She's just a commodity. If he loved her, he probably wouldn't let her. Rot away in his bed for days. But even just that; ignoring her drama, is easier then making a choice.

I honestly don't know what I want, or need. I've given up trying to know. Because I know I'm not thinking right. I've been extremely depressed for a really long time. Well before I knew it. But knowing it, has only made it harder.

Eventually though he will have to make that choice. To kick me out, or let me lead. He isn't ready for either. And even though I feel like I not only don't love him, but that I barely like him. But I can't even be sure of those feelings, they have been bred out of resentment of how big of a coward I've discovered him to be. 

I hope my next post is about how happy I am. That he really did come to my rescue, that he wants to run away with me, that he doesn't want to see me drown anymore in this house that I hate. Or this town that I hate. Or the job that I might hate more then anything else in this world. 

But... With being extremely depressed... I think Ive earned the pessimism that I have about the situation. Plus of course my super power of knowing what everyone is feeling all the time. I think it will end with our "love" being a lot more conditional then I ever thought it was. It's all been just a great story. We never had a chance. It just always felt so great to be so inspiring to others. 

It's more important to look happy, then to actually be happy. 

I think he sees it all as hopeless. That I 've made up my mind to hate him. But maybe, just maybe Danny, just one time. You could leave out the bullshit. Be honest with me. Not ignore me, not make small talk, no excuses, no stupid rules and requirements. Just honesty. Good or bad. With me and yourself. Just maybe, at least one of us would see hope. But you've never fought for me not once. You've left me in that dungeon. 

To scared to fight the dragon between us. 

You have to know Danny, that I do love you. I could never resent someone so much if I didn't. But the more you make me hate you. The harder it is to reverse it. Ignoring me only has 2 out comes: more work for you to fix it. Or well I guess less heart ache when you have to kick me out.