So since my last post, I have been feeling better. It took me a few days to get my strength back. I started eating again, and getting some sleep. I think that was my rock bottom. I still am having weird depression and anxiety problems. like hyper sensitivity to everything. It is strange to me that You have to get that low to be strong enough to come out of it. I am trying to figure out why, but i have been very sensitive to peoples opinions of me. Ive always thought of myself as someone who didnt care about that... i guess there is a difference... i dont care if people care about what im like on the outside, i think thats why i dress so weird. since i dont care, why not have fun? but i do care about what people think of me on the inside. i dont like feeling like anyone thinks im a bad person. and when i think about it, ive always been insecure about that... i dont like running into people i knew when i was a teenager, because i dont like who i was then. (not that i regret anything) I just dont want to see and talk to people who think of me differently then i am now. i get very upset when i think someones mad at me. i always have. i wish i had realized this a long time ago. i will never leave an argument unresolved again. because this whole depression has been caused by me being too worried about what everyone else is thinking about me, and thats stupid.
But over the last few days of healing, dannys really been there for me. i had a couple of episodes that involved some things being thrown, and sedatives being used. but he helped me get through it. This whole experience has been hard. we have both been mean to each other. both in so much pain. We have also learned a lot about each other. it has kind of been like mr and mrs smith. anyway, I plan to leave as soon after Labor day as possible. I have changed my mind on living in the truck. I decided i wanted a van. it would just be better all around. and then we found an ambulance :) and it was so cool! but then he sold it... then we found another one and its bigger! it seems great! hoping to buy it this coming week. if not, im willing to just take the first van i see. im done!
I think the ambulance will be really good. its big enough to be a comfortable home. only gets about 8mpg so traveling will probably be slow most of the time. but thats not a big deal as long as i can park where i wont need to use the thing to drive around. ill be ok. my lose plan right now is to spend as much of september in seattle as i can. then go bak to town for scary wood. once that is over i should have enough money to drive me and cora to florida over the course of 2 weeks, where we will meet up with danny who will be there for some work thing. after all that, we will try and make our way back to mexico baja by january. where we will hopefully meet up with jennessa and who ever else. after that... i will decide from there. i might be home sick and travel north, i might be itchy and adventurous and head south :) ive always wanted to go to south america.... and i will! but maybe very soon :) only time will tell! failed plans is another insecurity of mine. so i prefer to avoid them. or at least when making them, be ok with them changing.
Its funny to me, I have been planning on leaving by my birthday for a while now... and before it was because i was supposed to have a rocking awesome 30th birthday! i was even planning around it being on a tuesday.. maybe we can do something on saturday? either way. i knew it would be something... im turning 30 right?! well on this last saturday of being 29, of living here. I dont think i have any plans :) well... none involving cake or booze, or cards, or even friends. someday when i look back on my 30s im going to remember the freedom.
Namaste!
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