So this week has been pretty hard emotionally. Danny is taking all this really hard, and that in turn is really hard on me. I don't do well putting others in pain, and it makes me feel horrible when I see it as sacrificing his happiness for my own. But I can't live that way, I can't think that way. I haven't been happy in long a time... possibly maybe ever. Everything has been for working towards getting to "happy".. are we ever going to get there? I mean we have had some great times, and things were never really bad until recently.
But perhaps that is because I tried to not make waves. I don't think I saw how unhappy I was until I got to have a few months to myself in seattle, and I found how happy I was living for myself. It made me realize how bored Ive been and how much I have been letting my wants and needs be suppressed... and that it is time for me to wake up! I am hear to experience, not be a menial house wife waiting to grow old so I can enjoy life then. We should be aloud to enjoy life from day one.
Everyone in this world who is suffering, (if they realize they are or not) Should not be. It is all because we put to much power in money, and we are letting bad people have to much control of the money. So they have convinced us that money is important and that we need to work our asses off to get it and we waste our whole lives trying to make money and pay off all our things that cost money that by buying made someone else rich and powerful and corrupt. All the while we are born into this system and have no other way to think then this is it. I will not be worth anything if I cannot hold a job and have assets. Horrible things are happening all over the world because money is power and to get it some people have to suffer. Genocide is happening constantly and we never hear about it. Powerless people being exploited by powerful people. But the best thing you can do about it, is leave that system, and enjoy your life. Which is exactly what I plan to do :)
As I write this blog all I can think about is how bad my grammar probably is, and just thank the universe that someone decided spell check should be mandatory! (mandatory was brought to you by spell check.) But fuck that! (add an extra t to that last but and lol for real ;) I think it's amazing... no I need to stop using "I" that is the ego talking, and we are all one... It is amazing that I can even sit here and write this now. For me to be able to read and write so well that I can write as it pops into my head and my ideas and thoughts are captured and put into words. And what are the odds of me being able to do this? on this planet even what were the odds i'd be human? Of those humans one capable of writing, and of those, being someone who is willing to make time and do it for no other reason then it makes me feel good. In all of the universe less then 1 percent is matter, the planets and stars everything else counts in that 1% and out of that less then %1 is something that could even sustain life. how many percent of that do you think does? Don't you see? the universe is like a living thing, we are part of it and the highest thing it can experience is being living matter. We are the universe trying to have a physical experience. This IS heaven. We have things all over to help us enjoy it, psychedelics to help you connect with your soul, and a body capable of taking you places and seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling. yet we waste all of that awesomeness because someone invented money. lol okay that was a pretty good rant. Your welcome.
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